• Hope I don't fall asleep in the last 15 minutes of #Poirot like I normally do. #
  • Should have finished off the turkey by June. #
  • My toenail just come off. #
  • Tesco put #eastereggs on sale on Boxing Day. They said it was because of customer demand. Own up. Who asked for Easter eggs at Christmas? #
  • Dear spammer,
    The word is Facebook not Faecbook! Perhaps you were thinking how shitty you are? #
  • The Avios advert is interesting but I can't see the point of a flying whisk. #
  • Be glad when we're into 2012 so we don't get any more of those useless boring "review of the year" programmes on TV. #pointless stuff. #
  • This Stilton looks a bit frisky and furry. Could have swore it was a piece of Chedder last week. #
  • Where's my knighthood? Just because I didn't give a bung. If I'd have won the lotto I would have done. #
  • I'd settle for an MBE or a CBE.
    What about a swimming certificate or an egg and spoon race winners medal? #
  • I did put 50p in the hat of that bloke and his dog playing the fiddle and only took out 30p change. (bloke was playing fiddle not dog) #
  • All very well #coldcalling but when you speak in Hindi you ain't got much chance of flogging me anything. I speak a few words of Klingon. #
  • I should be paying bills today but I can't be bothered. Who's daft idea was it to have New Years day on Jan 1?
    Should be moved to mid March. #
  • My New Years #resolution to become a nudist lasted till about 9.15am when I spilt my tea! #
  • Dear Diary,
    Lost tug of war contest with dog as she pulled a sausage off my plate. Managed to save other sausage from same fate. #
  • If I read another book where a #dog gets bumped off I shall spit! #authors please take note. #
  • Finished Dead Line by Stella Rimington.
    Gave it 1/5 because a #dog died. (see a previous tweet) #