• It's amazing how many squeaks, creaks and groans a house makes. You can see why our ancestors believed in ghosty things. #
  • It's so cold today. I think we made a mistake in getting rid of our fur. Animals kept theirs and keep warm. #
  • I see I've missed out on a BAFTA nomination again. #
  • I've got a zit on my neck. I hope it's not puberty again. I had the devil of a job getting rid of it last time. #
  • I'm so hungry I could eat a horse. But the horses in the field are a bit manky and haven't got much meat on them. Be okay for bone soup. #
  • Everybody should be educated here in the UK where one in four kids think that bacon comes from sheep. Well they call it baacon don't they? #