• Thought I'd found a body when walking the dog. You read about it in the news. Found a load of bones.
    However, they were in an empty KFC box #
  • That's another cheesecake eaten. So much for portion control. #
  • “@BBCShaneonair: Don't know why, but I can't stand sugar in a sachet. It offends me.”– you're supposed to take it out of the sachet. #
  • It's so cold it could snow overnight. #
  • Now it's weeing down. Wassup weather?
    It's my birthday it should be warm and sunny with bluebirds singing. #
  • Something wrong with this chicken. Never seen one with two ears and a nose!
    No wonder it was cheap. Hope it doesn't go meow… #
  • Sad,18 tigers,15 lions and other animals killed in Ohio recently. Could vets have tranquillised them or was it a shoot fest? @TigerTimeNow #
  • According to Daily Mail #Labour want to boot old people out of their houses if necessary with a swinging land tax. @BBCNews @conservatives #
  • They should sell jars of cholesterol in the shops to save messing about with food. #
  • Last time I was on the moon it was a job to find a curry house. Has it improved any? #
  • So it's supposed to be the end of the world again today. I don't know if I have the raptures or a touch of wind after that sausage sandwich. #
  • On potato peeling duty today. Why do they start off huge like melons and end up small like peas. I always seem to have masses of peelings. #
  • Assad must feel a bit twitchy with a crowd of people outside his window chanting "You're next, you're next!" #Syria #
  • Well I don't know where my last tweet went. Intercepted I think. 🙁 #
  • If the Earth stopped rotating for 5 minutes a day all the fluff,dust and crisp packets would fly into outer space. No more hoovering. #
  • It's getting harder and harder to find employment as a despot these days. #
  • How did that squirrel get a ticket for the Wembley NFL game? #
  • Cmon Bears! #
  • Yay for Bears 24-18. #
  • Last ever #Spooks Poor, very poor. Needs a new series just to end the story. #