• ‘Consumers won’t understand why bacon is suddenly carrying the added water label,’ Yes we will. Means you add too much water to bacon. #
  • Laxman caught by one of the shorter players on the field. Great jump and catch by Bell. #EngvInd #
  • Should allow lbw by drs to both sides and then if India don't want it they have that choice. #EngvInd #
  • In-tray has more in it than the out-tray. #
  • Useless glue sticks from Tesco. Got no stick in them. Should have guessed.
    A) 89p for 5
    B) Made in China
    Need strength to wind "glue" out. #
  • Bet the England team had a small sherry last night after the Lords win Monday. #EngvInd #
  • A bottle of white wine sold for £75,000! From the 19th century. Bet it's a bit manky by now.
    It's only £5 at the local One-Stop. #
  • What happens when they they start putting meters on the air that you breath? What if you don't pay the bill? Gasp! #
  • Don't think I'd stand outside the #Libyan embassy. They've previous history of shooting indiscriminately from windows and murdering a WPC. #
  • I bet Nelson has a great view. Nice and quiet.Apart from the pigeons crapping on his hat. #
  • #BritishGas say profits down 50% because of a "milder" winter. What planet are they on? Nobody can afford gas now. And it was a cold winter! #
  • Oh no! The Government are going to scrap the 'Trading with the Enemy Act' and lower the cracker buying age to 12. #
  • Oh goody goody. A company in Ghana is going to send me a money transfer of $5000 daily til it reaches $1.2 million. Wow. All I have to do is #
  • Rip off Britain again. Now we're paying for others worldwide to get @BBC via #iplayer on the cheap. #
  • "Sweets for my sweet, sugar for my honey" #
  • You can tell it's the 'No News' season now MPs are on their hols. They've started putting pub quiz questions in @UKBreakingNews #
  • At least the "New Stand" isn't painted brick red. #EngvInd #
  • I think we're doomed again. We always seem to lose a test straight after winning one. Don't think India are really missing Khan. #EngvInd #
  • Six wickets please before midday for the birthday boy. #EngvInd #
  • Three wickets in three balls. Great stuff. #EngvInd #
  • If we had eyes on our big toes we could check for spiders before we got into bed. Or, look up ladies' skirts in supermarkets. #
  • You'd have to wear open toed sandals of course. #