• I have to set the timeclock on the pebblepond fountain. It's a nightmare because the instructions are in non- standard English. #
  • Why do they say on @amazonuk 'straight mens jeans'? Do they sell 'gay mens jeans'? What's the difference? Why the differentiation? #
  • This for my 3k of writing @Twitter drivel. Yippee. Long live sore fingers and 140 character countdowns.
    Do I get a signed mug from someone? #
  • One thing wrong with my cup of tea. I forgot to boil the water. #
  • Look doggy 9 pm at night is not the right time to be running round the garden squeaking your squeaky toy. I'll have to face the neighbours. #
  • So 5 million #Taliban escaped from an Afghan prison down a tunnel they'd dug. I knew it was a mistake sending them those old WWII POW films. #
  • I wish #FIFA would give the two extra referees assistants flags to put on their sticks. #
  • #ManUtd 0 #Schalke 0 at half time but only because of great goalkeeping by Neuer. #
  • Forgot the dogs breakfast. No wonder she's been stalking me for half an hour slapping her chops and giving me evil looks. #
  • Soon as I feed her she's off out. Doesn't want to know me. Typical. #
  • I panicked over #Sony loosing the personal and private details of 77 million #Playstation users then realised I didn't have a Playstation. #
  • #Sony say of the #Playstation data loss …the data might have fallen into the hands of an "unauthorised person"
    …He must have big hands. #
  • If the #Playstation data is on a flash drive the "unauthorised person" could have stuck it anywhere. Even where the rising sun don't shine. #
  • RT @SunnyRedd1 Im So Glade I dont have a #Playstation Right now #XBOX360 is my #System — I bet they'll be next. #
  • 1.8 million people have made 20 million applications for #Olympic2012 #London2012 tickets. There's only 6.6 million available. #
  • Tickets you get for #Olympics2012 might not be for the events you want to watch. It's all a lottery. You may want swimming and get dressage. #
  • Don't know who picked the #Time100 Don't agree with 99.7% of the list.
    Not saying that because I wasn't picked…again! #
  • I just touched a raw banana skin in the bin with my bare hands. #
  • Obama releases birth certificate – http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-13212230 #
  • RT @jjedmondson Just missed the bus by about 100 yards. Now to wait 10 mins.– You ate too much chicken. 🙂 #
  • I once saw a picture of Prince William on @BBC can I be on @BBCBreaking please for the #RoyalWedding #
  • Oh noes. People are trying to log in using the 77 million stolen #SonyPlaystation details. Help!
    Wait a minute I haven't got a #Playstation #
  • RT @GarethDotDesign Remind me why we pay TV license, I'm struggling at the moment.. — else BBC executives would have to drink cheap wine. #
  • Watching Starship Troopers 2. I'll have those funny dreams again about creepy crawlies. #
  • I wore my special pants for the #RoyalWedding They're the same as normal pants only a bit fresher. #
  • I wonder if Dave will do a re-run of the #RoyalWedding in a couple of years. #
  • Why did Princess Beatrice wear a set of antlers for the #RoyalWedding Was it fancy dress. #
  • So what are you going to report tomorrow @BBCNews ?
    You'll just have to show @BBCClick instead. #
  • The dog did a standy up poo in the garden that looks like a flagpole. I should tie a little flag to it perhaps? #
  • Trying to build up a wine cellar but I seem to drink it all before it gets to the cellar. #
  • Apparently Wills and Kate got married yesterday. #RoyalWedding #BBCBreaking #
  • Failed with cricket so I'm teaching the dog tennis. Trouble is she just chomps on the racquet and runs figure of eights with the ball. #
  • #Chelsea should have done the honest thing and said their two goals against #Spurs weren't goals. #
  • The wind is so strong the sparrows are surfing in the air. I can hear them singing "Wipe Out…" #
  • Oh Noees 1-0 #
  • Oh poop. #Ars 1 #ManUtd 0 #
  • Show me your dongles. #
  • The #Libyans have burnt down the #British #Embassy in Tripoli. How shameful. #
  • Here we are with gale force winds in #Coventry the last two days and the weather forecasters on @BBCNews say it's "breezy".
    Pah! #
  • RT @BBCBreaking Former boxer Cooper dies aged 76 — That's Sir Henry Cooper #