• April 1st already. I've put a photo of bird seed in the bird feeders to #aprilfool the birds.
    OK I haven't really. Didn't have a photo. #
  • My stomach sounds like the London Underground. When theyre not on strike. Sort of long distant rumbling. #
  • Just seen Colonel Gaddafi going up the street. Or it might have been the postman. Unless Gaddafi has a part time job? #
  • Dear Diary, Today it was windy.
    I wrote that yesterday, and the day before.
    I'll never be a famous Diarist like Samuel Pepys. #
  • They found that Cobra that was missing from #BronxZoo Reptile House. He was curled up … in the Reptile House. Didn't they look properly? #
  • Maybe that Cobra snook back into the Reptile House after a night or two out on the tiles. Unless he heard a flute playing somewhere. #
  • I need a Cobra right now after seeing that mouse flit across the conservatory door way. #
  • Uhuh brown envelope on the doormat from H. M. Revenue and Customs!
    I'll beat it with a stick first. #
  • I'm colder than a polar bears left testicle.
    Oh bollocks can I say testicle on Twitter? #
  • RT @DreamHost We've got new owners! http://cot.ag/g2z84E Read on to see what this means for you and your sites. ^BD
    –I'll look tomorrow. #
  • Some guy in a police uniform knocked on my door this morning. Told him I wasn't falling for it and knocked his hat off!
    My case is up in May #