• It was so cold last night. -1C/30F and it's not even winter yet. Where's my woolly socks and bobble hat? #
  • I've invented a device to hold meat and other food whilst you eat it. It's like a knife but with prongs.
    Stuck for a name. Maybe a 'firk'. #
  • Just videod the dog eating a chew but I was listening to Napster so I've got to overdub with a chomping sound to avoid copyright problems. #
  • Me eating a carrot would probably sound right for a 'dog eating a chew' sound effect. #
  • No carrots! Got some grapes left. Big food shop is in a couple of days. Ah got some hobnobs that might work. #
  • Dog pinched my hobnob before I could record the sound. Went to get microphone and when I came back the hobnob had gone. #
  • A drunk passes @thegizwiz sitting by his Merc engine. "Whats up Gizwiz hic ?"
    "Piston broke" says Gizwiz .
    "Me too." says drunk. #
  • Dog is running on the spot and sending the rug flying backwards. I'm keeping her amused as it's too wet to go outside. Playing pingpong next #
  • Ping pong ball lasted 5 seconds with the dog. And, she kept dropping her bat in her water bowl. #
  • I won't believe in aliens until one knocks on the door and asks for directions to Stoke-on-Trent. I'd still be doubtful if he spoke English. #
  • Shame about Paul the octopus dying. They only live two years. That's worse than hamsters. Just when you've trained them to dance they die. #
  • I've just dribbled on the dogs head. Got my own back. #
  • It's nice that Virgin Media will be having 100mbit speeds but please include in your reports the allowed bandwidth as well @bbcclick #
  • @cheeserations you have your couch but where's Charlie 🙂 #
  • Everybodys asleep. I could take over the world. #
  • I'll have to put off world domination. My tea went down the wrong way and I nearly choked. Woke everybody up though. #
  • Nobody cares when you're choking to death. They just say 'keep the noise down people are trying to sleep' #
  • I wonder where that email went?
    There you are. How did you get there when I sent you here?
    Oh I see I made a mistake.
    Unusual for me. Ahem! #
  • Dogs either snoring or playing the tuba. Least I think it's the dog. #
  • My office chair squeaks,creaks and sings popular songs from the 1980's.
    Is this normal? #
  • Headline says "Booze puts one Briton in hospital every 7 minutes."
    This guys got to be found and made to stop drinking.
    Thanks #dailymail #
  • Thought I'd post in an empty WordPress install I've had for years. Took me ages to compose. I was going to call it "Hello World" but … #
  • This computer fad will never last. It's like the 'Internet'. It'll all be over in a week or two and it'll be something else like sudukibooki #
  • One false move and the dog will poke her tongue in the yolk of my boiled egg. She's watching me like a hawk just waiting to … Gerroffff!!! #
  • It's quite hard getting yolk off a dogs chin. Ah she's wiped her face on my trousers. That's done it. #
  • I've come to the conclusion that the only way to fold a valance sheet is to roll it up into a ball. Which is how it ends up whatever I do. #
  • Barnsley v Hull is the footy offering from Sky this evening! WTF!
    Where are those places? Up 't North somewhere aren't they? Ayeup lad. #
  • Dogs having a twitchy dream. I think she's playing tennis judging by the way she's sticking her front leg in the air. Let. First service. #
  • So I'm watching the footy for about 30 mins and nothing happens. I glance away at the dog and Newcastle go and score. Missed the goal. 1-0 #
  • Newcastle now leading Sunderland 3-0. #
  • Newcastle made it 4-0.
    Sunderland fans going home with 10 mins left to go. #
  • Make it 5-0. #
  • Sunderland grab a goal back in ET but is it too late? It's 5-1 to Newcastle. #
  • Newcastle beat Sunderland 5-1.
    Hope the boozers have plenty of Newcastle Brown in. #
  • 49ers beat Broncos 24-16 in the Wembley game. Good game. Couple of years and all NFL will be played in UK. #